What is this thing called love?

I would like to share some of my thoughts on love and relationships. I do not do this to try to change how others think but simply to help others understand how I think.

'Love' is a word I admit I have become wary of, simply because I am never sure what another person means by it.

I think when most people use the word 'love' they mean something like 'I can't live without you' or 'I have a strong attachment to you' or 'I'd be miserable without you'.

As someone who follows the teachings of the Buddha, I have learned that the cause of all the pain and suffering in the world is our attachments or our inability to live without that which we desire. Therefore to a follower of the Buddha the above definitions of love are unacceptable.

There are two definitions of 'love' that I like. The first is 'love is wanting what is best for the person we love'. This can be tricky because sometimes what is best for that person is that we let go of them so that they have the freedom to live their life without us. Therefore, this kind of love is not compatable with the grasping, attachment form of love first mentioned.

When I worked with the Buddhist charity, Tzu Chi, I learned the second definition, which is 'love is giving without expectation'. While I admire this definition and aspire to it, I have to admit it gives me great difficulty.

Last year I returned to Australia to look after my elderly mother. My goal was to give to her without expectation. I have to admit, I failed.

I was doing OK for the first three months but eventually I lost it. I had an expectation that my mother not tell lies about my children. I had an expectation that when my mother talked, almost everyday, about the abuse she'd received from her mother that she should put it into perspective by also acknowledging her abuse of all of her children. I had an expectation that my mother not tell lies about me to my siblings and others or tell lies about others to me.

You might say that all my expectations were reasonable. Perhaps they were but they were not compatable with my goals. They were not compatable with this definition of 'love'.

Perhaps I am not alone. I observe that most people enter into 'love' relationships with expectations. Everyone thinks their expectations are reasonable. And when the other person doesn't live up to them we feel justified in being angry or hurt or perhaps ending the relationship.

But is this really love? Is there a definition of love that says 'if I love you, you have to live up to my expectations'? Not for me there isn't but somehow I think I might be in the minority.